The newest Twilight book Leaked

Dear Edward,

It has been 20 years since we last spoke. I just wanted you to know I have spent over 70 thousand dollars in therapy, and been institutionalized because I told people “our tale”. I wish I had stayed in Phoenix looking back on my life. I should have know what a douche you where when I found out you only drink “animal blood and called yourself a vegetarian”. What you think you are Louie from Interview With a Vampire or some shit? Mister 17 my ass. You were born in 1908 you pedophile. I have people tell me I am not well constantly now. You are the sick one you fuck. How about this, you go hang out at the elementary with a white van with free candy painted on it you sick bastard. How any female could like you after finding out about your deceitful phony bullshit bedazzle skinned ass is perplexing. I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia and committed. Do you know how hard it is talking to a shrink who thinks you have a fascination with necrophilia because you claimed to have fucked a Vampire? Any idea? None? Not one guess? Umm, let’s see. Doctors are about as happy to waste their time “helping” as say when you tell them you fantasize about children. Yeah, the guy across the hall is a kid toucher. You sicko’s are everywhere. I know now that my child is out there somewhere hopefully not getting touched by mister I’m in love with an infant, sorry “imprinted”. What? Did I get to old for you? I did everything you ever wanted. I even dressed up in the Count Chocula suit and let you role play. I gave you all I could offer so, in turn you decide to turn me back human, kidnap my kid, leave me in a wheel chair because my spine is broken, and give me enough LSD and PCP to make my heart explode. You dropped me off at the police station? Can you even begin to imagine what it was like for me? I am flopping around on the ground screaming get back I am a Vampire at the cops! Yeah that lasted about as long as it took them to tazer my paraplegic ass until I crapped myself. Do you know how terrified I was when the first rays of sunlight starting creeping towards my cell. I screamed until they beat me half to death. It didn’t take them long to dismiss me being on drugs and go with that bitch is just plain batshit crazy. Get it. That was a joke. Batshit crazy. It was a play on Bat and Vampires you fuckin tool. Never mind. I am so messed up in the head now that Blade came on network cable and I began pleasuring myself in front of all the other patients. Do not even get me started on my bestiality site obsession because I still have the hots for Jacob. Can you fathom trying to explain this delusional dribble to a psychiatrist? Listen to me recant my life with you to my doctor via this tape recording.

“Ok, so Bella, tell me about why you are here”. Well doc, I met a vampire named Edward. I fell for him, and almost got eaten by this other Vampire while during a basketball game. “Wait a basketball game?” Yeah, basketball. I moved out of state. I got blackmailed and then almost eaten again. The “bad vampire” tried to eat me and got killed. I broke my leg(Twilight END).

Then I had a birthday and got cut. A “good vampire” lost his shit and tried to eat me. Another “good vampire, Edwards Sister Carlisle” saved me though. “Man that sounds like a lot of danger”. Yeah. Well Edward left me shortly after that. I got depressed. “Hmm, I see……” Yeah totally! I was heartbroken for a while. Then I starting hanging out with Jacob. Then I started hearing voices in my head. “Really? Voices you say? What kind of voices?” Well like Edward’s voice when I am in danger. “Really! So….This is like a spider-sense kindah thing then?” Yeah. Then this “bad vampire” is trying to kill me because he is pissed that the other vampire got killed for tying to eat me. “You don’t say…!” Here is where it gets crazy. “I’m listening.” So these big Wolves eat the “bad vampire”. Anyway, Jacob is a werewolf. “Aahh! I see. What a coincidence to meet both vampires and werewolves in one lifetime. What are the odds?” I went cliff diving and almost drowned but Jacob saved me. Edward heard I died and went to Italy to have older vampires kill him. I went to Italy to prove I was alive. I got grounded for that though. Edward told me he loved me(New Moon END). “Wow! Italy? What a nice place!”

Jacob got mad at me. I got ungrounded and wanted to see him but Edward messed up my truck. “Oh! Man! That sucks!” I went and saw him anyway. Some “new bad vampires” kill people and the Werewolves and “good vampires” team up to fight them. Then the GF of the “bad vampire” that blackmailed me and tried to kill me and her new BF got killed by Edward and another Werewolf. Then I went and told Jacob I love Edward more than you(Eclipse END). “You were pretty mean to Jacob. Do Werewolves have feeling just like you or I Bella?” Umm. Yeah.

Then I got married to Edward. “Really? Did you ever get a marriage certificate? Can vampires legally wed?” Well no. Then we went on a honeymoon and I got pregnant. I had the baby real fast though. It was mixed. Jacob got mad, but then chilled out. The baby went hulk inside me. Edward delivered the baby. It crushed my spine and nearly killed me. He had to turn me into a Vampire to save me. I named her Renesmee. I went hunting but wouldn’t kill anyone because it is wrong. I got special vampire powers. I could shield normal people against other vampires powers. The “old vampires” thought we turned an infant into a baby vampire. They were going to kill us. Edward explained that it was our baby and they left. “Ummmmmmm……. Wow! That was very anti-climatic. So how did you end up here?” I think I was on some shit, drugged with more shit, and Edward got tired of me so he changed me back(Breaking Dawn END). “Bella, your story sounds exactly like this poorly written book I recently read by Stephenie Meyer. It had a, bad premise, no compelling trigger moment, and a lame theme that was stolen from a much better author named Anne Rice. It wasn’t even consistent throughout the series. It had no true crisis to overcome, with no universality, lesson learned, or resolution. That is oddly coincidental. Your story is so poorly constructed that it is almost believable.” Yeah. “I am sorry you will have to stay with us for a good while longer Bella”.

Signed Bella XOXgofuckyourself

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